The Thinking Man’s Take On: Hipsterism
2 Dec
How To Play: Print this out and take it to the next show you go to. When you get a bingo, scream “BINGO!” at the top of your lungs, then break a bunch of beer bottles on the floor and get thrown out. -CATBIRDSEAT
Wow. It’s been a while since I’ve done one of these bad boys, these Thinking Man’s Take On columns. But amidst rappers name dropping swine flu like it’s going out of style (which it is), I think it’s time to spread the word about a pandemic. Unless you can’t read titles, you know I’m talking about Hipsters.
A quick history lesson: The word hipster comes from the greek root “hipst-“ meaning “hip”, and the superior suffix “-er”, as in “hipper than you”. The term – which is generally bandied about in newspapers and snarky advice columns in reference to those damn hoodlums and kids these days – has gone through an evolution of its own in the past 40 years.
I recently was given an album called “Hipsters’ Holiday,” which I was expecting to contain Sufjan Stevens singing Christmas Carols and Peaches singing Hannukah Hymns. Alas, that’s not the case. Instead, it’s Louis Armstrong, Miles Davis, and a bunch of other cats that are far cooler than anyone who has been born since Jimi Hendrix. I mean, the compilation has song by people named Babs Gonzalez and Big John Greer, and groups like The Coolbreezers and Julia Lee and her Boyfriends. Does it get cooler than that? I posit that it does not.
The presence of such decidedly un-hipster hipsters led me to start thinking (a dangerous pastime, I know). What exactly makes a hipster a hipster? Contrary to popular belief, buying clothes at American Apparel does not make you a hipster. Drinking Pabst Blue Ribbon does not make you a hipster. Wearing comically oversized glasses does not make you a hipster. BUT if you buy your clothes at AmAppy, drink PBR, and wear oversized glasses, your chances of contracting hipster are certainly higher. It’s like squares and rectangles – not every rectangle is a square, and not every square is a hipster. Or something like that.
Let’s just off the bat say that this isn’t an indictment of hipsters. Most of the hipsters I know are wonderful people who have a sense of style, good taste in music, and a general interest in…well…being interesting. This isn’t one of those old men wondering what happened to the halcyon days of youth. Think of it more as a guide to take you from pretender to contender. Or at the very least, something you can point your mom to the next time she asks you, “What’s a hipster? Are you a hipster?” You know you’ve been there.
The Parts
The way I see it, it’s a perfect storm of three things that really makes a hipster. Without this combination – this Tribeca triumvirate – it’s tough to be a true hipstar. With it, you’re ready to conquer the indie world.
1. The tunes
As this is a music site, we might as well start with the music. For indeed, there is a musical element that is inherently tied to hipsterdom. There are lots of different musical tastes in the world of hipsters, and in the interest of making this article look as much like an outline as possible, I’ll go ahead and break the most prevalent schools down.
a. The Your-Favourite-Band-Sucks School. The most commonly cited school in hipster taste, this hipster has already listened to the best albums of 2010, and is busy analyzing the lyrics of some band called BAAND that is releasing a demo in January ’11. If you want to join this school, budget three or four hours a day looking for music blogs that no one else reads, plus another one or two actually reading them.
b. The You-Just-Don’t-Understand-Noise-Rock School. These are the hipsters with the worst hearing, mainly because they subject themselves to hours upon hours of indistinguishable electro-industrial noise. Or maybe they have the best hearing, since they seem to derive some weird pleasure from melodies that they swear are buried beneath mounds of crap. If you want to join this school, expect to spend a few hours accidentally listening to a fax machine because you think it’s a band calling you to play their new single.
c. The OMG-MILEY-CYRUS! School. A relative youngster to the hipster game, the OMG MILEY CYRUS! school has its roots in the PITCHFORK LIKES POP! rebellion, led by Justin Timberlake in 2006. This school has no shame about listening to pop music, as long as it’s done with a mind toward irony. If you want to join this school, start reading Twilight now.
d. The No-Music-Worth-Listening-To-Has-Been-Made-Since-1960 School. This hipster usually has lots of Bob Dylan bootlegs and Sam Cooke records, and is always playing indistinguishable jazz music whenever you visit. They are firmly of the mind that the music really did die on the Day The Music Died. If you want to join this school, get friendly with your dad’s record collection. Better yet, your granddad’s.
2. The ‘ture
Although we are taught not to just a book by its cover, judging a boy by his couture is necessary when defining hipsters. The most visible element of your identity as a hipster is your outfit – it broadcasts your personality to the world, as if proclaiming, “I spend more time thinking about my outfit than you, and still manage to look hastily thrown together!” The key to the outfits not in its components, but in the methodology with which they are combined. Ironic juxtaposition, in addition to being a great band name, is critical to presenting a hipster image.
Do you have a favorite pair of designer skinny jeans? Combine them with an electrical cord as a belt. Have a t-shirt that you bought for 99 cents at a thrift store? Throw an expensive Italian jacket over the top for maximum effect. Here’s a good test to see if your outfit is hipster enough: Stand in front of a mirror and look at what you’re wearing, without blinking for sixty seconds. If you don’t have a headache by the end, you’re not dressed appropriately. Still living at home? If your mom doesn’t sigh audibly on your way out the door, you’re not doing it right.
As with music, there are different schools of thought with hipster couture. There are neo-lumberjacks, tights-as-pantsers, and tight-ass-pantsers. There are goofy glasses wearers, ear gauging tattoo canvasses, and v-neck sporting prepsters. And in the hipster crowd there is room for all shapes and sizes. Find a niche that works with your wardrobe and get out there and paint the town plaid!
3. The ‘tude
Attitude is perhaps the most important part of the holy trinity of hipsterism. Without the attitude, you are hardly fit to call yourself a hipster. What is the attitude, you say? It’s the attitude that whatever event you are attending is the second best thing in the world, with the first best thing being posting pictures of said event on Facebook. And combined with that knowledge, it’s the ability to hide that fact from everyone around you, if necessary. It’s about composure when composure is called for, and exhilaration when composure is called for. There’s a delicate set of rules defining hipster attitude, much like Miss Manners. Unfortunately, like Miss Manners, people (like me) only quote those rules, without ever reading the text.
It’s a common trap to fall into, when studying the hipster, to cast them as a loner, an outcast from society. In reality, that is far from the truth. Although the hipster attitude may come off as disinterested or sad, it is far from it. That hipster crying in the corner is probably crying because everyone is so beautiful. And the one who looks bored is really enjoying himself, he’s just more excited about whatever happens next.
Your hipster friend is a lot like runway fashion – you’re never going to wear that ridiculously oversized hat and puffy jacket, but you might adapt the idea a bit the next time you’re shopping. Similarly, you’re not going to listen to noise rock and wear a keffiyah, but you might throw a scarf on the next time you’re listening to Animal Collective. It’s no coincidence that a hipster attitude closely resembles the attitude of runway models: icy, haughty, hungry.
The Poses:
Now that you’ve got the parts assembled, it’s time to put them into action! The glue that really binds these disparate elements together is the pose. There is no single hipster pose, despite what magazines might try to tell you. In fact, the pose is what divides hipsters into distinct sects. Try a few of the below and then branch out to find your true identity.
1. The ‘stache and stare
A tried and true pose, this one takes a little patience and a little more testosterone. Spend a few weeks growing a bushy beard, and just when it starts to look good, shave off all but that upper lip. Now go into public. Anytime someone looks at you like you have a weird moustache, stare through them like they don’t exist. Boom, hipster.
2. The boobs and booze
This is for the more estrogen enhanced, although some male hipsters fit this category (see: BEEEEEEAAAANNNNNNNNSSSSSSSS!). Flash more breast than you would want your mother seeing, and drink more booze than you would want your mother drinking. Take lots of pictures and post them on various social media sites. Text all of your friends. When you can do all of that ironically, you have truly achieved hipstardom.
3. The ink and wink
This one is for the more daring hipsters out there, those willing to wear their heart on their sleeves for eternity. Simply head to your nearest tattoo parlor and get inked up. Your design should be something simple, ironic, and hilarious. Six-pack of PBR on your abs, moustache on your index finger, Mike Tyson face tat, etc. Critical: always pretend you got the tattoo in seriousness.
4. The frump and frown
An easier pose to strike, the frump and frown is particularly popular in the winter. Put on a bunch of different layers, hopefully adding enough girth to your torso to restrict any arm motion. Now look as unhappy as possible. Be careful, though – in my experience the frump and frown often turns into the sweat and smell once indoors.
Well, there you have it. A veritable tome that outlines the key parts of how to look, think, act like a hipster, with some comportment advice as icing on the cake. It feels a little bit like Jeff Foxworthy, I know – “If you have a t-shirt with political slogans on it from 1980…you might be a hipster.” Hopefully I’ve avoided that as much as possible. I leave you with one piece of bad news, though. If you read this far in the article…you might not be a hipster.
Chris Barth is a columnist here at Pretty Much Amazing and a friend to most hipsters. You can read his more succinct daily posts at his music blog, The Stu Reid Experiment.
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Yes. you’re back.
This is ridiculously hilarious and long. But I actually read it. I’m glad I passed the “you’re probably not a hipster” test!.
Also props for going through this entire essay without name-dropping the “deceased” ‘Carles’.
The The No-Music-Worth-Listening-To-Has-Been-Made-Since-1960 School is pretty much missing out on the coolest shit since MPP.
I’m glad reading PMA doesn’t make you a hipster. someone told me it did and I stayed away for like 4 days.
I think reading HRO makes you a hipster. Though I’m not so sure anymore, as someone has mentioned already, Teh CRLS is ‘dead’.
I haven’t read that in months. I won’t be reading it now that MikeBro and BeccaHo are taking over.
Oh and I love PBR and AmAppy. So what the fuck guys bro?
what the fuck gives bro?*
sorry, typing too fast & im tipsy from all the PBR I’ve been drinking.
ImNotAHipster:
Can I please use “So what the fuck guys bro?” for something? It’s actually one of the best sentences I’ve read in a long time. A+
This just might be the best one yet. It’s good to have you back Thinking Man!
Brilliant, brilliant stuff. I think you covered it all pretty nicely.
excellent post. loved it, really.
i am NOT a hipster, and i was excruciatingly aware of that before reading this.
unfortch, I kinda think that as soon as the word “hipster” became the official word to describe this group of people, it became unfashionable. lucky for the cool kids, no one told them.
I agree, best one yet. Even more epic than your year-end list manifesto.
1 year from now, will this be referred to as the “Hipster Manifesto”?
Mad props for this! I’ve bookmarked it to.. you guessed it… show my mom.
great post. hilarious. hipster’s typing habits would be worth mentioning as well. like for example they like to put periods where there should be commas. and abrev. everything like obvi and totes. ohh and using the symbol “&”.
i am noo hipster, but i do enjoy wearing wayfarer raybans. thanks for the laugh.
dreadful article, you’re following the traditional notion of objectifying hipsterism by associating it with the common stereotypes. hipsterism is more of an ideology then anything else, yet you love to stereotype it withattitudes, fashion sense, and musical tastes.
lastly, if you have to make the claim that you’re not a hipster, you most likely are either a hipster, but do not want to be perceived as a hipster, or you have an incessant desire to be a hipster, but your ego is preventing you.
Come on, anyone with a sense of humor knows this is written entirely tongue-in-cheek.
I’m still perplexed by your comment, as if this article had offended some sort of racial group or something. Aren’t hipsters regular people but with certain stereotypical “attitudes, fashion sense, and musical tastes”? What else makes a hipster?!
Do all the hipsters out there believe it goes deeper? That they’ve stumbled upon a new “way of life”. That’s ridiculous.
ryan your 2nd statement is essentially what i’m trying to disprove. our culture has taught us to associate “hipsterism” with a particular attitude, fashion sense, and music taste. it’s like any other stereotype and rather then creating more stereotypes we should be trying to reduce them and expose them. it’s like saying all successful women are feminists, its a fucking retarded rationale once you even begin to dissect it at the outermost layers.
i’m not offended, i’m shocked.
your line of thinking is laughable. should we stop using any name that refers to any group of people? is it inappropriate to call people “Skaters” because they are riding skateboards and listening to Skater Punk? how dare we “stereotype” them as skaters!
your comparison to successful women being labeled feminists holds no water at all. that is a completely different situation. this is a funny article, not a soap box. end of story.
i just think we should be moving towards viewing people as individuals rather then typecasting them. i do realize that it’s absurd for us to view every single situation/ person as an individual, but we shouldn’t be propagating stereotyping.
and yes i know this article is in large point satirical, but a lot of the people reading are probably teenagers who are quite impressionable, and they’re going to grow up with these beliefs and pass them on for generations, which i do not view as beneficial.
Really? For generations, you say?
To think, that when my children’s children are learning about the evils of discrimination, the textbooks might one day speak of the horrible anti-hipster stereotypes that were eventually propagated and can be traced back to this very article.
I might buy what you sell if we were talking about a religion or a racial group. We are talking about f’ing hipsters here. Being a hipster is a fashion statement not a way of life. At the very extreme, its an attempt at effecting a counter culture for those who are too afraid to actually start a real counter culture.
In generations, people will be making fun of yet another b.s. fashion trend – the self-styled (if only ironically self-styled) cool kids. At the most, the “stereotypes” that are handed down will be half-funny jokes of the sort that we nowadays make about hippies.
You talk about making fun of hipsters with the level of gravity that people I can take seriously talk about the evils of racism. Get over yourself.
What she said.
i think it should be added that hipsters were never popular in middle or high school. it is because of this they go so out out of their way to be different, and resort to trends. there may be some true hipsters out there who have some set of ideals, but ive never seen one.
as a highschooler myself, i can tell you that Hipsters don’t have trouble being popular
also, most hipsters know this, thus they are so eager to deny that they are hipsters
I’ve never met a hipster that denies he’s a hipster. Most of the time, the people that say they aren’t hipsters… are usually not hipsters.
I guess maybe if you made fun of someone for being a hipster, they might deny it, but even then, wouldn’t a real hipster not care? So if you deny hipsterdom, you probably weren’t involved with it in the first place.
a hipster would care because they hate being labelled
Hipsterdom is a choice isn’t it? and if it makes some people laugh, what of it? if a Hipster doesn’t want to be labeled he can not be a Hipster. no one ever said being a hipster is bad. it’s just an ingenious word used to capture all the previously unlabelled non-conformists out there and give them a title. of course labeling people is silly, but so is the way that some people dress, and watching people squirm when you call them a Hipster (which is a meaningless word in truth) is hilarious.
i always get a good laugh when people think hipsters are non conformists. a non conformist thinks for themselves. hipsters follow more trends than teeny boppers.
totally agree. and now a lot of teeny boppers think they’re hipsters. (i.e. Miley Cyrus not into pop music and “never heard” a Jay-Z song. oh and she LOVES Radiohead. like a lot)
“hipsters hate being labeled”
NOW who’s stereotyping, HUH?!
@ the people offended by this article.
They’re probably just angry you figured them out so easily. “‘stash and stare? damn! i do that! *hates in the comments*”
how fetch of you luis
More than once did Elizabeth, in her ramble within the park, unexpectedly meet Mr. Darcy. She felt all the perverseness of the mischance that should bring him where no one else was brought, and, to prevent its ever happening again, took care to inform him at first that it was a favourite haunt of hers. How it could occur a second time, therefore, was very odd! Yet it did, and even a third. It seemed like wilful ill-nature, or a voluntary penance, for on these occasions it was not merely a few formal inquiries and an awkward pause and then away, but he actually thought it necessary to turn back and walk with her.
what the what?
Jane Austen is the original hipster.
I.love.this.
and thank you for the ending reassurance that I am indeed not a hipster (for reading the whole post). I’ve been in an existential crisis, lately, ’cause I almost started believing I was one. but hipsters are too cool to worry if they are hipsters.
keep em coming!
this is really dumb just FYI. your building your own stereotype by telling people what NOT to do.
you also putting hate into this world because some guy wearing converse is going to be ignored at a party because he’s a poser.
instead of simply judging people why don’t we all start up conversations with said people about their thick framed glasses or whatever!
Maybe people haven’t come to that point in their lifes where they don’t understand everything! you were there! i’m sure you were considered a hipster before you considered yourself to be your true self.
everyone here obviously listens to the same music! listen to the lyrics my friend and you will find that it’s all about love and not hate! no matter what level it’s on!
love one another.
p.s. i love hoodies! soo if i’m a poser then i’ve been a poser for….well since i was like 4. wow i’m a big poser.
Honestly, all of these ‘Thinking Man’s Take’ articles are pretty dumb and ill-informed. There was one on opening bands that was hilarious in how short-sighted and general it was, and another on EPs that was like “Uh I listened to three or four EPs from this decade and I came up with THIS!”
Just goes to show you: Don’t pretend to be an expert on something unless you are — and this guy is NOT.
Oh, and a lot of this seems like it was written from the perspective of a guy who has a lot of trouble talking to women (hence the subtle jabs at body type, personal style, and choice of [un]dress).