Here it is… the moment we’ve all been waiting for. The moment we get our Tuesday and Wednesday nights back! Ryan talks about the biggest moments of Adam and Kris’s lives, we talk about how crazy all of this is, and we talk about how THIS… is American Idol!!

The stage is exploding in lights, we see Janice Dickinson, and Ryan makes sure everyone knows how lucky they are to be here. We find out that just under 100 million votes came in last night (we all collectively gasp), and we go on to meet the judges. Randy is wearing a MASSIVE velvet bow tie and we get a Randy “for me, for you” montage. Boy he says that a lot. We meet Kara and see her throw condescending pet names out to every single person that has been on this show (she actually looks nice tonight). Paula and her chest are introduced next and we hear a vocabularistic slew of Paula-isms. Finally we meet Simon, and we see a clip of him saying things like “What?” “Pardon?” “Eh?”

Kris with a K and Adam are brought out on stage, and they are both wearing white. Adam is wearing his wrestling boots and Kwak’s mic isn’t working (how is that possible? Sound guys… how can you suck this bad on this big of a show?).

We go to Conway where Mikalah is talking with little girls. She. Is. Gross. I hope someone in Conway has the good sense to set her hair on fire. We then are whisked off to San Diego where Carly S. inundates us with a watered down Irish accent.

The top 13 are here together singing (read: butchering) Pink’s “Rock Star.” This thing is such a cluster that I don’t even know what to say about it. Nobody is together, they’re all trying to out sing each other, and it’s more of a “we’ve come full circle” performance than anything.

We’re back from commercial and we’re treated to a David Cook performance. He’s wearing a vest, a skinny tie, and an arm band. SOMEBODY TELL ME WHY WE’RE WEARING VESTS? Anyway, he’s flat, wearing 12 Live Strong-like armbands, and his hair is doing the best flock of seagulls impression it can. I imagine that David Cook fans wanna make out with this song, but to my ears it’s just another Puddle of Mudd sound-a-like. It ends, David hugs it out with Seacrest, and we talk a little about his brother passing away (from cancer) and DC’s charity efforts. Very sad stuff. I don’t love his music, but I like David… he’s a class act.

We turn to a spoofy awards portion of American Idol (the Golden Idol). It’s pretty funny, but it’s impossibly unimportant unless you are a fan of the show and are currently watching. Outstanding Male: Nick Mitchell (AKA Norman Gentle)… who goes on to perform (mostly to a monitor on stage) his bizarre comedy act.

We get a performance from Lil Rounds and Queen Latifah. Lil looks great (although, I hardly recognize her). The sounds guys need to get on it and turn up these mics. It’s not a bad song, per se, but I need louder vocals and about 97% les spandex on Q. Latifah.

We come right back into Anoop, Alexis, and Jason Mraz (who is sporting a serious goat) singing “I’m Yours.” SIKE! It’s actually all 11 idol dumpees singing along.

We see a Kwak history montage. Who knew someone with such a dorky paddy hat could go so far in this competition. It’s always fun to see these packages, and we all fall in love with Kwak all over again.

He’s paired with Keith Urban to sing “Kiss a Girl” (I think). Weird combo, don’t you think? Keith is one skinny dude. Galaxy swirls are zooming on all the screens, and every teenager (and my wife) are collectively thinking that they wouldn’t mind getting kissed by Kwak. He’s dreamy as usual and is in his wheelhouse here (i.e. poppy, peppy, love song). He sounds great (which is good after that horrific Kara song last night).

We’re back to a girls only song (“Glamourous”) and guess who joins them to sing “Big Girls Don’t Cry?” YOU GUESSED IT! Fergie (with weird dark hair)… How old is Fergie? She must be a cyborg because she too old to have such killer legs… Oh, guess who else joins us? The rest of the Peas for a little “Boom Boom Pow.” I think Will.I.Am just proved to the world that you actually can be out of tune WHILE using an auto-tuner. Wow! American Idol just cut away from the live feed! It’s a blank shot of the stage, so I’m left wondering if Will.I.Am forgot to edit himself, or what. Weird… you don’t see the live cut away very often. It’s a fun performance and I think people will like it.

We’re back to Golden Idols and we’re doing Best Attitude. We see Bikini girl and we see Kara embarrass herself all over again. I just wanted to point that out. The other contestants are unremarkable at best. Katrina (Bikini girl) wins, and she comes out wearing (what else) a bikini. She’s now sporting a fake chest and a fake tan (I don’t know which is more artificial). She sings and sounds terrible… TERRIBLE. As she butchers the song, Kara shows up and totally one-ups her. Like totally one-ups her! Kara actually sounds good. Then she rips off her dress to expose a bikini for an alleged charity (As a heterosexual man I feel like it’s my obligation to say this: despite her killer body, Bikini Girl is gross and not at all as hot as she thinks she is. Okay, I feel better).

Allison is brought out with Cyndi Lauper and they sing “Time After Time” together. Allison actually sounds better than Cyndi (CL looks and sounds a bit toasted). It’s not bad. That’s all I got for you on this one.

We check in with the Allens and the Lamberts. Yay.

Gokey is here and he’s singing “Hello” which strikes me as hilarious. Mostly because I think of Gokey in that crazy blind-girl-modeling-Lionel’s-head music video. Lionel ends up coming out and singing with Danny and it’s pleasant.

We move on to Adam’s history montage including Randy Travis’ awesome response to “Ring of Fire.” We all remember how awesome Adam is, and also remember what a nice guy he is. I’ll be happy for either of these guys tonight. And don’t look now, but here’s Adam dressed in all leather, with giant beaded wingy shoulder pads. He introduces KISS who are full of fire, fury, and make up. Wow… this just got unhinged. Adam actually looks underdressed next to Gene & the boys (and he’s even wearing the boots). Adam sounds great with these guys. Okay… this is a perfect commentary on who AI wants to win this thing. Kwak sings a country song with Keith Urban, and Adam sings with KISS (and a bazillion fireworks)? Hmmmm…

Santana is here and is playing some audio deliciousness. He is a great guitarist. Suddenly all 13 finalists come out together and bring this sucker home.

Steve Martin is introduced and Sarver & Megan Joy sing to his accompaniment. They sing a nice little duet, and Steve Martin does nothing funny. Turns out he wrote that song and just came out with an album.

We’re back for the men’s number, and we all remember how many dudes were on the show this season. They’re all wearing black suits, and are singing “Do You Think I’m Sexy.” Adam welcomes Rod Stewart and he sings a little somethin’ for us.

We roll on to the final Golden Idol: Outstanding Female (Tatiana is going to win this for sursies). Yep, here she is… man, she is yuckersville.

Adam and Kris are singing Queen’s “We are the Champions.”Turns out that Queen is on stage and a whole chorus of people wearing black (including the other 11 idols). Again… could AI telegraph ANY more how bad they want Adam to win. Queen? Really? Adam’s big voice totally washes out Kwak’s more subtle sound. Whatevs… the votes are in, and who cares at this point. Lets get some results Seacrest!

We’re back and Adam and Kwak are standing center stage with Ryan. We bring out Edward Boddington (sp?) with the results. The lights are dim, the idols are sweating, and the winner of Season 8 American Idol is KRIS WITH A K!

Adam graciously loses, and Kwak graciously wins. Kris doesn’t have a clue what to say, and it’s amazing to me that a contestant that wasn’t even profiled in the beginning wins it all! Kwak finishes off the night by singing the horrific “No Boundaries” and hugging everyone in sight.

This is great and sad at the same time. Adam was very thoughtful and gracious throughout, and it’s hard to see him lose… still, I’d feel the same way if Adam won and Kwak lost, so I’m happy. They’ll both be famous and make wheelbarrows full of money, so everyone is a winner. Streamers, fireworks, excitement, and a final shot of Justin Guarini. Awesome.

Well, American Idol fans… I really don’t know what I’m going to do without the PMA AI groupies. We’ve all gotten so close, and now it’s over. I liked tonight’s show overall, and I had a good time recapping for you this season. I’ve enjoyed your comments and hope that you’ll leave a final one letting us know what you thought. Are you happy with the result? Upset? What did you think of the performances tonight? What are you going to do you’re your newfound Tuesday and Wednesday nights?

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This article has been read 704 times since Thursday, May 21st, 2009. It was posted on at 11:04 am by Jeff Lind and is filed under Music, TV Shows. You can follow any comments to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a comment, or trackback from your own site.